Trapped
by gibbslovexo
Summary: After the explosion at NCIS, Gibbs is struggling to find out what is real and what isn't. On top of trying to control his frequent panic attacks, he needs to find a way to get his team working as a team again.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, ENJOY:)**

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_He felt like a prisoner in his own body. He remembered the bomb, the walls closing in. He remembered the screaming, the cries for help. He had been in Abby's lab when it happened. He jumped on top of her to save her. He got her out to safety and now he was back in the building looking for his team. Vance told him to stay outside and wait for the paramedics to arrive, but he couldn't. He wouldn't. His team was somewhere in that building. For all he knew, they could've been dead, or fighting for their lives. He couldn't see anything. There was too much smoke. Smoke everywhere. He got to the part of the building that he was almost positive was the bullpen. He remembered seeing McGee on the floor. He remembered the glass in McGee's side as he helped him up to his feet. He couldn't see Tony or Ziva. Where were they? Were they hurt? Were they together? Why aren't the paramedics in here yet? He remembered hearing McGee saying, "Boss, I don't feel too good." Then he remembered seeing his agent go down. He was confused and frightened. Why couldn't he breathe?_

* * *

He woke up screaming. It was happening again. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't remember where he was. His heart felt like it was going to explode and jump right out of his chest. It had been almost 4 months since the explosion at NCIS and so far this happened every night. He looked around and recognized his boat. He was in his basement. His head was aching and his heart was pounding faster than ever before. He looked at the clock, 0500. He had to get ready for work, but he wasn't ready to get up just yet. He was still dealing with the after effects of the panic attack he had just suffered through.

After several minutes he was able to get his breathing down to an almost normal pace. He got up, and began getting ready for work. He used to love going to work. It used to be the one place he was happy. But now, it has become the one place that he feared the most. It had been 4 months since it happened but to him, it still felt so real, so intense. The building was now fully repaired and everything looked as if nothing had ever happened. But he knew that wasn't true. He often found himself getting lost in his memories and sometimes he even believed that he was stuck in the smoke all over again, trapped between the walls.

* * *

He got in his truck and drove to the coffee shop. He hadn't been too crazy about coffee lately, but if he walked into work without his daily morning cup, he knew his team, the agents he trained so well, would notice and start to think something was up. He got out of his truck and walked into the coffee shop. He sat down at his usual spot at the counter and waited for Elaine the waitress, to come over.

"Hey Gibbs, haven't seen you in a while, everything okay?" Elaine said walking over.

Gibbs nodded. "Been busy."

"Haven't we all?" She chuckled.

Gibbs didn't say anything just stared at his hands.

"You okay honey? You look a little down." Elaine said.

"I'm fine Elaine; it's just been hard ya know?"

Elaine nodded, "Your talking about the incident that had happened a little while back over at NCIS right?"

Gibbs shrugged, "Can't get it out of my head."

Elaine straightened up and decided to lighten up the mood, "Well you better wipe up them cob webs. It saddens me to see a regular customer disappear Gibbs." She laughed.

He smiled, "I'm gonna try and get back in the swing of things. Try to get back to my normal routine. "

She nodded, "You better marine." She paused, "I'll be right back with your coffee."

"To go, please." Gibbs reminded her.

"Of course, you wouldn't wanna be late to work." She laughed.

He sat in silence while he waited for his coffee, stuck in another memory.

_"Sir we need you to come with us, we need to get you outside so we can get you help." The paramedics said but Gibbs just continued standing there, watching as they desperately tried to move quickly and check to find more survivors. "Sir please come with us." He heard the voice far away in the distance and a hand on his shoulder. His head was spinning. He remembered seeing all the blood. Blood everywhere. There were bodies, everywhere. What if Tony or Ziva were in this pile of lifeless bodies? He couldn't leave. He had to find them. He felt hopeless. His palms were sweating from the heat of the smoke. Where was McGee? He couldn't remember. The last thing he remembered was McGee falling to the ground, and everything after that was a blank. He started to panic. "McGee! Tim! Where are you?" He screamed. The paramedic tried to calm him down, "Sir your agent is fine. He is being taken care of at the hospital. We need to get you help, your bleeding." He didn't understand what they were saying. How could they be this calm? He started to panic even more. "Tim!" He turned to the paramedics, "You need to help him! He's hurt! Why are you just standing there?" He looked around, "And Tony and Ziva, where are they? You need to find them! They could be dyeing. Help them!" He yelled feeling like he was being chocked. "Agent Gibbs you need to calm down. We are trying as hard as we can to find your agents." Gibbs thought his head might spin right off. "You aren't trying hard enough! Find them!" He couldn't think clearly. "Agent Gibbs we need you to relax. We are going to give you a sedative so please don't fight it. We need to get you to the hospital." He tried to kick the paramedic away, "Don't come near me! I need to find my team! I can't leave them here to die!" He screamed but it was too late. He felt himself losing his ability to stand by himself and he felt his eyelids starting to close. He began to fall and he felt the paramedic catch him on his way down. Before he lost consciousness completely, he heard a name calling for him in the distance._

"Gibbs?"

He snapped alert and looked at Elaine.

"Hey, you alright there?" Elaine asked noticing his unfocused gaze.

He nodded.

"Gibbs you're shaking, is something wrong?" She felt worried for him.

Gibbs grunted, "Thanks for the coffee." He got up, grabbed the coffee that Elaine had brought to him, and walked to his truck.

* * *

When he got to NCIS he walked up to the security desk, showed the officer his badge, and walked through the doors. He got into the elevator and felt his breathing become shallow. He hit the emergency switch, sat down on the elevator floor, and began to ride out his panic attack. His hands were shaking and he so desperately wanted to cry. But if his team saw him walk in with red stained eyes, they'd know he had been crying. He had to be strong, they looked up to him. He couldn't let them see him cry. He lay down all the way and tried to focus on his breathing.

Once he had the attack under control, he took a few deep breathes, and let the elevator begin to move again.

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**Thanks for reading! Please review! XOXO~Angel**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I am just borrowing the NCIS characters, ENJOY:)**

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_"Get down!" _

_Those were the words he heard right before his whole world was flipped upside down. "You have to save them!" He screamed jerking awake. "Agent Gibbs your team is okay. You're okay. You're in the hospital. You blacked out, how do you feel?" _

_He couldn't think straight. Why did everything feel so strange and unreal? Where was his team? "Where are they? They're dead aren't they? I couldn't save them oh God why didn't I save them?!"_

* * *

Before he entered the bullpen he could hear Tony and Ziva arguing as usual. Since the explosion they have been arguing more often than not.

"Don't you have some, oh I don't know, _work_ to do, Tony?" Ziva said annoyed.

"No Ziva, I don't!" Tony yelled from his desk.

"Well close it! I'm trying to work over here!"

"It's _shut_ it Ziva, not close it." Tony sneered back at her with a child-like tone in his voice.

Ziva sent a hard glare his way when Gibbs walked in. "Knock it off both of you! Where's McGee?"

Tony and Ziva both sat up straight at the sound of Gibbs' cold tone.

Tony spoke up, "He's down in the lab with Abby, Boss." He said, his voice shaking.

Gibbs grunted, "Someone better give me an update on the Collins case before I lose my mind." He said through clenched teeth, even though he knew that he had already lost his mind four months ago.

They both hesitated, "Gibbs, there is still no sign of Petty Officer Collins. His phone is still off, his banking balance still remains the same, and his computer has been wiped clean." Ziva winced.

"I want him in here, now!" He yelled at them both.

"We will work harder Boss." Tony said quietly getting ready for a slap to his head.

"You have until the end of the day!" Gibbs said turning around.

"But Boss there's no way-"Tony started but saw that Gibbs had already left. "Well _someone _woke up on the wrong side of the boat this morning."

"Tony, shut up." Ziva glared.

* * *

"Ah Jethro, what a surprise to see you down here so early. I'm sorry to say that I do not have anything useful for you regarding the whereabouts of your missing Petty Officer." Ducky said when he saw Gibbs enter autopsy.

"Do you have _anything _at all Duck?" Gibbs asked desperate.

Ducky nodded, "I have tea?" He suggested.

Gibbs glared, "Goodbye doctor." He said harshly.

"Jethro wait! Come sit down with me won't you? Just for a few minutes. I get lonely down here since Mr. Palmer is away on his honeymoon." Ducky asked.

Gibbs sighed, "Duck I really don't have time."

"You never have time anymore Jethro. Please, sit." Ducky pleaded.

Gibbs nodded and sat down with the old doctor.

"How are you Jethro?" Ducky started.

"Fine." Gibbs answered quickly, not looking his friend in the eye hoping that Ducky would believe him.

"Are you sure? Since the explosion you have been unusually quiet. I mean you are always quite but this is different."

At the word _explosion_, Gibbs started to sweat and his breathing got shallower.

"Jethro, are you alright?" Ducky asked noticing his friend's glazed eyes.

Gibbs didn't respond. He couldn't. He felt the walls closing in on him. He grabbed the edge of the table to keep him sitting up straight. Why did this have to happen now? Of all the places and times he could have a panic attack; it _had_ to be in front of Ducky. He tried to focus on his breathing so he could tell Ducky that he was fine, but he knew that it wasn't true. He wasn't fine. He hasn't been fine for a while.

"Jethro look at me. What's wrong?"

_Save them! Save them! Don't let them die! Why are you just standing there? Save them! They can't breathe! They're trapped! _

He stood up and pushed himself up against the wall. "They're dying." He whispered.

Ducky looked at him confused. "Who's dying Jethro?"

"Save them! They're in there! They're dying." He yelled louder, caught in his own memory.

Ducky realized that he was having a panic attack and led Gibbs to the chair. "Sit Jethro, breathe."

Gibbs' breathing was slowing down but he was still caught in the attack. "Save them! Why are you all so calm?"

"Jethro, it's over. Everyone is okay. Tony, Ziva, McGee, Abby. They are all okay. You saved them and they are alive." He soothed to the older agent.

"No I didn't! I didn't save them! They're dying! I can't find them!"

Ducky sat down next to his friend and placed his hand on Gibbs' shoulder. "You saved them, they're alive."

After a few minutes of fast breathing, Gibbs finally came back to reality and sunk in his chair.

Ducky looked him in the eye. "How long has this been going on?"

Gibbs stood up, "I don't know what you're talking about Duck. I'm fine."

Ducky looked at him in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me Jethro. You just had a full blown panic attack _right in front of me_! How can you say that you're fine?"

"It was a one-time thing, let it go." He began to walk away when Ducky grabbed his arm.

"Jethro, let me help you. I'm worried about you. How long has this been going on? How long have you been experiencing these panic attacks?"

Gibbs sighed giving up, "Since the explosion." He hesitated.

"Since the explosion? Jethro, you mean to tell me that you have been having panic attacks for _four _months and you never told anyone?" Ducky asked, his eyes wide.

Gibbs nodded. "I have them under control."

Ducky laughed, "Yes Jethro, I could tell that you have them under control from the way you were just hyperventilating a moment ago."

Gibbs shrugged, "It's a work in progress."

"Indeed it is. Why didn't you tell me Jethro?" The doctor agreed.

Gibbs looked up and shrugged, "Ducky please don't tell anyone about this."

"I would never Jethro, but I do suggest you see the company psychiatrist. It could really help your situation."

"Not gonna happen Duck, no way." Gibbs said shaking his head.

"It would do you good Jethro." Ducky sighed.

"Right now, I need to focus on my team, and what's good for _them_. I don't have time to worry about myself Ducky." He said walking out of autopsy.

Ducky sighed and turned back around to the dead Commander. "It seems as though recent events have taken a toll on our fearless ex-marine."

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**Thank you for reading! Please keep reviewing so I know what you think! XOXO**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, ENJOY:) **

**A/N I apologize (Just broke a Gibbs rule.) for taking so long to update. I don't really have some lame excuse to tell you guys. I just didn't get to it until now. Hope you like it:)**

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He made his way into the bullpen to hear his team fighting once again.

"Knock it off you three! You will either work as a team or I'll take your badges right now!" He yelled getting their attention. All three of the agents stared in horror at how loud their boss had just raised his voice.

Gibbs took a breath and continued, "I'm sick of this constant fighting! How are you all supposed to trust each other with your lives out in the field if you can't even agree on something as stupid as whose turn it is to buy lunch?" He paused looking at their faces. "Now sit down, all of you and give me a damn update before I do something we _all _we regret."

Tony spoke first. "Petty Officer Collins' credit card was used a few miles from his house. When the local LEOS got there they couldn't find him. The cashier didn't give a good description either. She said that she wasn't focusing on his face."

Gibbs nodded, motioning his hands for them to tell him more.

McGee hesitated, "Uh, Boss I uh, I got in contact with Claire, Mike Collins' girlfriend. She said that she last saw Collins at her place last Wednesday and he hasn't spoken to her since. I double checked with her phone records to make sure and turns out she got several calls from a prepaid cell phone over the past week. Each call only lasted no more than 10 seconds."

"I want to talk to the girlfriend. Get her-"Gibbs started.

"I got her in interrogation room 2. She's all ready for you, boss."

Gibbs nodded, "That's a good job McGee." He said as he made his way to interrogation.

* * *

Once he was outside of the interrogation room, he started to blank out.

_"Agent Gibbs you need to let us take care of the search and rescue. We need to get you to the hospital. Please come with me. It is not safe for you to stay in this building any longer." A voice in the distance kept screaming. "Not until I see my team! Not until I know they're safe!" The air was getting thicker and the smoke was getting darker and heavier. He could hear cries and screaming coming from every direction possible, but which cries were his team? "Tony! Ziva!" He yelled. He got no answer back and he could feel his heart beat speed up faster than it already was. He couldn't remember a lot, but he did remember being pulled and dragged on the ground. Did he fail? He let them die? He put his own injuries in front of the lives of his team. _

"Boss?" Tony said bringing Gibbs out of his haunted memory.

Gibbs tried to clear his mind and looked at his senior field agent. "What?"

"Are you going to interrogate the girlfriend? You've been just standing there for almost 15 minutes. I can do it if you-"

Gibbs held his hand up to stop Tony from talking. "I'm going. Go in observation."

"On it boss."

* * *

He walked into the room and saw a pretty young brunette with hazel eyes sitting in the chair across from his. "Claire Jennings." He stated.

She looked nervous. "Yes? Why am I being held here? Did I do something wrong?"

"Your boyfriend. Petty Officer Collins."

She tilted her head, "Mike? What about him?"

He pulled out pictures from the case file. "This is Commander Jacobs. He was killed on Thursday afternoon by his own rifle." He stated.

"And you think Mike has something to do with it?"

He smiled, "Oh I don't think, I know. We have enough evidence to put him away for life, and if we find out that you are helping him hide, then we will have enough to put you away for accessory to murder."

Her eyes froze, she looked scared and he could see her starting to break a sweat.

Gibbs continued, "Unless, you help us find him. If you cooperate with NCIS and tell us where Collins is, then we can drop the charges."

Claire sighed. "You drop the charges against me and I walk out of here without a worry?"

Gibbs just nodded.

She hesitated but spoke anyway. "Okay okay, Mike called me a couple days ago. He told me to meet him in two days at the Plaza hotel a few miles from here. He sent me a room key in the mail."

"Do you have that room key?"

She nodded and pulled a key out of her jean pocket.

Gibbs nodded taking the key. He stood up. "Thank you. I am going to ask that you stay with NCIS until we have Collins in custody. We can't risk you tipping him off."

She scowled at him. "You can't keep me here!"

"We can if you want all charges against you dropped." He said slamming the door behind him.

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**So so so sorry that it's short. Next one is long I promise. Please review XOXO**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: CBS owns the characters not me:( **

**A/N Thank you for the reviews and PM's that this story has gotten so far, ENJOY:)**

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"McGee, tell security to shut this place down. Nobody comes in, nobody leaves. Dinozzo, you and me will go up to the room. Ziva, you go talk to the hotel manager, show him Collins' picture, see if he recognizes him." Gibbs ordered as they all went off to complete their given task.

Gibbs and Tony took the stairs up to the hotel room that Claire had led them to. Gibbs knocked on the door. "NCIS open up!"

When they got no answer, Gibbs motioned to Tony for him to break the door down.

Tony gathered up all of his power and kicked the door right where the lock was located. The door flung open and they immediately began checking over the hotel suite.

"Boss, in here!" Tony screamed from the bedroom. Gibbs heard the sounds of fighting and grunting coming from inside the room and ran to find out what was going on. When he got in the bedroom, he found Tony on top of Petty Officer Collins, holding him down. "Are you okay Tony?" Gibbs asked noticing the blood running down from his agent's nose.

Tony nodded, "I'm fine Boss. We got him." He said.

Gibbs walked over and took the defeated man from Tony. "Go call Ziva and McGee. Tell them we got Collins." Tony nodded and walked out into the hall with his phone.

"Petty Officer Collins," Gibbs said. "You have a lot of explaining to do." He stared at the man in front of him. Collins had a pretty big bruise on his chin but other than that, he was uninjured, no blood. He took the handcuffs off of his belf and secured them with one of the Petty Officer's hands cuffed to the bed post so he could take a look around the room.

Gibbs walked over to the spot on the floor where Collins and his agent were wrestling. He leaned down and saw a drop of blood on the carpet.

Tony's blood.

* * *

_"This is not a good idea Agent Gibbs." The firefighter walking behind him said. "I don't care! My team is here somewhere and I won't leave until I see them." He continued walking and stepping over the bodies sprawled out on the floor. The bodies that didn't make it. His agent could be among those bodies, but he refused to think about that possibility. _

_His heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest and slap him right across the face. "Tony! Ziva!" He tried again, needing to hear their voices, needing to know they were okay._

_"Boss!" A desperate voice cried out. It was Tony. It was his agent, he knew that voice anywhere. He was alive. "Dinozzo where are you? Are you okay?" He screamed out looking all around him._

_A few moments passed by. "Yeah, I'm okay. Ziva is here too. Looks like her arm may be broken. We're trapped." _

_Gibbs let out the biggest breath he could ever imagine. "Where?" _

_"Over here! Under all this crap." He heard Ziva yell. Gibbs never thought that he would be so happy to hear both of their voices. _

_"Gibbs, Tony has a huge cut on his head. He needs medical attention. You have to get us out of here." Ziva cried from under the pile of roof and walling. _

_"Sir, we need you to step back so we can remove the debris off of your agents. We will take good care of them and get them the medical attention they need." The first responders said moving him aside. _

_It was all coming back to him now. He remembered watching as the men used every ounce of strength in their beings to lift the objects that had his agents pinned under, unable to move. He remembered that once almost all of the debris was removed, he saw his agent's faces. He watched as the medics placed both Tony and Ziva onto stretchers and followed two firefighters out of the building. He looked back to where his agents had been pinned and noticed blood, his agent's blood. Blood that shouldn't have been there. He should've seen Dearing's attack coming from a mile away. He should've stopped him before he got too close. This was all his fault. His agents were in the hospital because he messed up. Because of him, half of the people he passed in the halls of NCIS regularly, were dead._

* * *

"Ziva already picked up Collins? I just got off the phone with her five minutes ago, she's fast." Tony voice directed towards Gibbs, bringing the older man out of yet another painful flashback. He looked up from the blood on the floor and stared at his agent. Tony's face had been free of any blood, meaning that he had already cleaned up. Gibbs shook his head.

"No he's over there, handcuffed to the bed."

Tony narrowed his eyes at the bed. "Um, no he's not Boss." Tony said causing Gibbs to jerk his head in the direction of where Collins had been handcuffed. The handcuffs were still attached to the bed, but no sign of Collins.

Gibbs stood up and cursed loudly as Ziva walked in the room with McGee next to her. "Where is he?" Ziva questioned looking at her boss.

"Bastard got away." Gibbs said, his face turning red. "I let that bastard get away!" He kicked his foot at the wall and cursed at himself even louder.

Tony stepped back a little, not sure what had happened. "How did he get away Boss?"

Gibbs growled and walked out of the room past his agents. He let that killer get away. He screwed up _again. _'Stupid blood.' He thought. His agents quickly but quietly followed closely behind him out of the bed room. They were giving each other questioning and confused looks when all of the sudden, they heard a single shot fire and looked in front of them in horror.

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**Omg cliffhanger woohoo! Haha hope you liked it. Please review. Let me know what you think. XOXO**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Not my characters yada yada yada.. ENJOY:)**

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_"I love you Daddy." The voice of a little girl sounded through his eardrums. "I've missed you so much Daddy." He opened his eyes and saw the bright shining smile of his daughter. "Are you finally going to be with us? Is it finally time Daddy? I've waited for this for so long." He couldn't feel his face. In fact, he felt no pain at all, but he knew somewhere inside of him, he was smiling. "Are you ready Daddy? Are you ready to be with us again?"_

* * *

"Gibbs!" All three agents screamed in horror watching their leader fall down. They ran to his side after Ziva had shot Collins dead two times in the chest.

Tony kneeled down beside his boss. "Boss? Boss, can you hear me?"

Tony got no answer. Gibbs was shot in the stomach and losing blood fast.

He was losing feeling in his muscles but placed his shaking hand on his agent's shoulder. All he could really focus on was his daughter that was standing right behind Tony.

"Dinozzo." He forced out of his bloody mouth.

Tony looked away from the gunshot wound and up to Gibbs' face. "Yeah Boss?"

He tried to point behind Tony. "Kelly. She's here." He smiled weakly.

Tony looked behind him and back at his boss with confusion in his eyes. "Boss? You still with us?"

_"He can't see me Daddy. None of them can see me, only you Daddy. It's only you and me now Daddy."_

Tony saw the dazed look in Gibbs' eyes and rushed frantically trying to subside the heavy bleeding.

Gibbs took Tony's hand and whispered, "It's okay Tony. You can let me go now. Please," He begged. "Let me die."

His senior field agent looked at him in complete shock. "No." He said. "No Boss, no you can't die. I will _not _let you die. Do you hear me Gibbs? I am not giving you permission to die on me, Gibbs." He cried out pressing down on the bleeding wound.

"_Jethro." He heard a beautiful toned voice call out for him. He looked back to his daughter and saw Shannon, his first and only true love, standing beside her with tears in her eyes. She sighed. "You always manage to get yourself into so much trouble, don't you Jethro?" She turned to Kelly, whispering something in her ear and moved closer to him as if she was floating on a thick, white, fluffy cloud. She placed her fingers over his pale cheek. "I know you want to be with us sweetie. I want you to be with us too. But Jethro, you need to go back. You need to stay with your team. Right now, they need you more than we do. Go back Jethro. Be with your family." She landed a soft kiss to the top of his head and floated back to Kelly. _

He watched as his wife and only child disappeared before his eyes. There was a brief moment then that he felt sorry for himself. But that feeling quickly passed as he remembered how he ended in that situation in the first place. He screwed up. He let Collins somehow get his gun. He always made it very clear to the people around him that they only way someone could ever lay a finger on his gun was if they pry it from his cold, dead hand. But here he lies, hanging on by a thread because he allowed his gun to be stolen right from under his nose. 'What is the point anymore if I can't even protect my gun? You're worthless Gunny. You deserve to die. So why aren't you dead yet?' He thought to himself.

He felt himself being lifted up onto a stretcher and boarded into the flashing ambulance.

_"I'm sorry Daddy. I know you miss us but Mommy says that it isn't the right time. I love you Daddy."_

* * *

"Jethro? Can you open your eyes for me Gunny?" He heard, somewhere in his head. He focused all of his energy on his eyelids and pried them open as far as he could manage.

"Great Jethro." He man he assumed was his doctor said into his ear.

Gibbs worked up all the power he somehow still had left to ask, "Was I in a coma?"

The doctor nodded. "I put you into a drug induced coma for twenty-four hours. Since you acquired no serious injuries to your brain or skull, I figured it was the safest bet. It gave your body a chance to heal up. The surgery went as planned and you will make a full recovery. Our team of nurses and doctors have been monitoring you closely to make sure there were no complications, but from what I can see, everything looks great and I think it's finally safe to kick you out of here." The man said with a smile.

Gibbs just sat up and stared ahead, furious that he was alive, furious that he was breathing, and furious that his heart was still beating. Why couldn't he have just died and gotten it over with? All of the pain would be gone. The panic attacks would end. And he wouldn't keep screwing things up for his team. Petty Officer Collins may have been guilty, but he didn't need to die because of his own stupid screw-up.

He sat quietly and thought to himself, 'Gunny, when you get home. It will just be your basement, your gun, and you.

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**I'm sorry it's so short. This one was really difficult to piece together. Hope you loved it, XOXO**


	6. Chapter 6

Hi everyone. I am deepy sorry that I have not been updating. I was in a major accident and am currently in the hospital but I promise I will be updating soon. Thank you to everyone for being so patient.

~Angel


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Not my characters yada yada yada.. ENJOY :)**

**A/N Thank you for all of your patience. I am actually still currently in the hospital. I am not sure when I'll be able to leave. I am doing better though. A few ribs were injured and I got a pretty nasty head injury, but the doctors are allowing me to use my laptop while I am here. Now we can get back to normal updates :) Gibbs may be a little OOC in this one, but not too much. Please Review!**

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_"Daddy's home!" He heard his daughter yell out while running down stairs faster than a first place marathon runner. She jumped up on him with a smile plastered to her face. "I missed you so much Daddy!" She cried out. "I missed you too Kelly." He put her down and Kelly grabbed hold of his leg refusing to let go. "Please never leave again Daddy, please?" She looked at him with the same pouty face she uses when she wants ice cream right before bed. "I know it's hard but I'm doing it for you, Kelly. You'll understand one day, when you're older." She nodded. He walked over to the couch placing his bags down on the ground and collapsing into the couch. He closed his eyes and sighed. A few moments later he heard Kelly speak again, but this time when she spoke, he could hear the desperation and pain hidden in her voice. "I told you not to go Daddy. Why did you leave? Why weren't you here for us?" He looked over to his daughter to see her face covered in blood and tears falling from her eyes. He wanted to run over to her and get her to a hospital but when he tried to get up, he couldn't move. It was like he was tied down, forced to watch his little girl die. He couldn't speak either. He tried to call out to her but it was useless. "You let me die Daddy." Although he couldn't move, he felt the warm tears slowly falling down his face. He wanted so desperately to wipe them away but his arms had turned into pudding. "Jethro, look at us." He heard from the stairs to his right. He was able to move his eyes in that direction and saw Shannon descending them. She too, had blood pouring out of her body. "Look what he did to us, Jethro. Look what he did while you weren't here." She sat on the ground next to her lifeless daughter. "Where were you? Why didn't you know that we were in danger?" She said as her eyes closed and her body fell limp. He watched in horror at the sight before him and finally found the strength to scream. "No!" He cried. He screamed as loud as he could and shook his head violently._

* * *

His eyes shot open and he looked around for any sign of Shannon and Kelly. He was trying to control his breathing and settle down a little. He sat there and waited for the fog of sleep and the memory of the horrible nightmare to leave his brain.

He remembered being driven home by Ducky. The ride home was longer than he expected and full of Ducky rambling on and on about one time when his grandfather had been twice shot in the stomach. They arrived at his house and Ducky helped him out of the car. Once he was standing he waved Ducky away and insisted he could get inside on his own. Ducky hesitated but let his friend go. He watched as he entered his home and closed the door behind him. Ducky then drove off silently praying that his dear friend would not try to work on his boat tonight.

When he went inside, he remembered his little 'talk' with himself at the hospital. But to be honest, he was just too tired to make that deathly decision. So he crashed on the couch promising himself that tomorrow would be the day.

He sat up in the sinking couch and ran his shaking fingers through his hair. He looked at his watch which told him that he only an hour until he was due at work. His doctor had given him orders to stay away from field work for the next few days. He tried to protest but his doctor informed him that he had already spoken to Jenny.

He stood up, walked into the kitchen, and turned on the coffee maker so that by the time he went upstairs, and got dressed, a warm cup of coffee would already be made for him. He went upstairs and through on tan pants. He then removed his NIS shirt from last night and replaced it with a white t-shirt. On top of the t-shirt he put a black short sleeve shirt with three buttons at the top close to his neck. He dug into his closet and pulled out a tan jacket that matched his pants. He then moved into the bathroom and quickly brushed his hair and teeth. He looked at the time and decided that he better leave now if he wanted to be on time to work. He went downstairs; not bothering to get a shower. He would shower later at the office. He grabbed his coffee, swallowed it in only three gulps, grabbed his keys, and was out the door.

He got into his truck, turned the keys in the ignition, and was on his way. It's about a 30 minute ride to NCIS headquarters; depending on whether or not he feels like dealing with traffic.

He drove quietly. Sometimes he would listen to music on the radio; mostly country. But today he just didn't feel like it.

The traffic was moving along fairly well and he was surprised by that. He drove past the diner where he gets his coffee every morning. He just wasn't in the mood for coffee right now.

* * *

Once he got to headquarters, he walked in dragging his feet a little. He went to the front desk to show them his badge. At NCIS, you weren't allowed in or out of the building without a badge or a visitor's pass. But he had been working here for so long that he rarely needed to show the front guard his badge.

"Hey Gibbs. Beautiful morning ain't it?" Tom, the guard said.

Gibbs just grunted and walked through the metal detector. He made his way to the elevator and got in; debating which floor he wanted to go to. He didn't want to go to the squad room just yet, mainly because he wasn't in the mood to hear the team arguing. He didn't want to go to Abby's lab because she is perky in the morning and right now, thinking of being happy just makes him want to puke. He couldn't go to Autopsy because Ducky would pound him with questions on how he's feeling and whether or not he should actually have come to work today. And he certainly didn't want to go to Jenny's office because he didn't feel like a morning ritual argument today.

He thought for a moment and hit the emergency button. He looked up to the ceiling and sighed. When did his life get so miserable?

He started to think about all his team has been through. Ari, Kate, bombings, terrorists. So much death. His team was probably up in the squad room fighting and ready to claw through each other. His team was falling apart. _He _was falling apart.

He slid down the cold steel wall of the elevator and started shaking. He felt tears building up in his eyes and sat quietly as they fell, ticking the sides of his face. He had enough of this.

He reached to his side and un-holstered his gun. He turned it so that the barrel was facing him. He didn't do anything. He just stared at it. It was funny how the same tool that he used to save so many lives, could also be used to put an end to his own. But then again, did he _really _save lives? It was mostly his team that did all the work. 'I'm just there to scare people off.' He thought.

He moved his fingers along the side of the gun, feeling its texture. In all the years that he has had that gun, never has he actually taken the time to admire the make and design of it. It was black, with a cold feel to it. It had letters and numbers engraved into it. As the tips of his fingers gently slid along the side of the gun, his tears kept falling. His right thumb finally reached the trigger. He placed his thumb over the trigger and got ready to pull it. But something didn't feel right. It wasn't that he was second guessing whether or not he wanted to die. It was that he felt wrong doing it there, in the elevator. This place had always been home for him and his team. It just had that kind of warm feel to it. So why would he want to change that for his team? If he pulled the trigger now, then eventually someone would find him, and when his team found out that he was found in the elevator, they won't be able to take the elevator let alone be in NCIS without thinking of Gibbs' dead body. He shook his head and took his thumb slowly off the trigger. He put the gun back into the holster and stood up, wiping away the dry tears that remained stuck to his pale face.  
He allowed the elevator to move again. Once the doors opened at the squad room, there was a whole mess of people waiting for the elevator and they all knew that Gibbs was the one holding it up. Every employee at NCIS eventually learns that when the elevator isn't working, that meant that Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs was using it as an 'office'.

He walked straight past the sea of people, avoiding the glares and sighs. Before he even got into the bullpen he heard the team fighting.

"Don't take my credit McShowoff."

"Tony, I am not taking your 'credit'. I found it first!"

Gibbs stormed into the bullpen. "I don't care who found what first but someone better tell me what they found."

Tony and McGee were having a silent stare down debating who would give their boss the update.

Ziva shook her head at stepped up to where Gibbs was sitting at his desk. "Local LEOs found Collins' SUV parked at a motel several miles from where you um.._lost _him." She hesitated earning a glare from Gibbs.

"Dinozzo, McGee, go to the motel. Find Collins." He ordered.

Tony and McGee looked over at Ziva and narrowed their eyes at her.

"You stole my info." McGee stated.

"I think he means that you stole _my _info." Tony interrupted.

"Will all of you just shut up for five minutes?" Gibbs screamed. "If I hear about one more fight between you three, then I will absolutely not hesitate to take your badges." He said walking to the stairs.

He couldn't take the elevator because he thought he would be tempted to take his gun out again. So he walked down the steps to Abby's lab. Perky Abby was better than annoying agents.

* * *

"Gibbs!" Abby jumped when she saw him walk in her lab. "How are you feeling?" She gave him a hug trying not to hurt him.

"Better." He mumbled half-hugging back.

Abby sighed and looked at his hands. "No coffee?" She asked stunned.

Gibbs shook his head. That was the only answer she got.

She gave him a glare and looked back to his hands. "No Caf-Pow?"

He shook his head once again and said, "Sorry I didn't have time. I was in a hurry this morning."

Abby stepped back and gasped loudly. "Gibbs! You just apologized! What is wrong with you?"

He shrugged. "I'm fine Abbs."

She looked him over again. "Are you sure? You look a little pale."

He sighed. "I'm just tired from ya know, getting shot." He snapped.

Abby jerked back again. "Okay as long as you're sure. What can I do for you?"

"Just came to say good morning Abs."

"Oh, well good morning Gibbs." She smiled. She looked back to Gibbs to find him staring off into space.

* * *

_He opened his eyes to see the morning light shining on her red hair just right. She was lying next to him and looking him in the eye. "Good morning Jethro." She smiled._

_"Good morning Shannon." He paused to look at her. "You're beautiful."_

_She chuckled. "You aren't too bad looking yourself. You're really cute when you sleep." She laughed._

_"You were watching me sleep? How romantic." He said sarcastically. _

_"Oh hush!" She said poking his nose. _

_He laughed and wrapped his arms around her smiling. _

_But something was wrong. When he draped his arm around her, he felt something warm. It was sticky and smelled horrible. He turned his head to look at her and saw that she had blood flowing from every vain in her body onto her pale, cold skin. He pushed away and screamed._

* * *

"Gibbs?" Abby said shaking his shoulder.

He snapped his eyes over to her and realized that he blanked out. "What did you say?"

Abby's eyes showed worry written all over them. "You were shaking Gibbs. What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Get to work."

"But Gibbs, there's nothing to work on. You haven't given me anymore evidence to process."

"Well work on something!" He barked and stormed out of the lab.

* * *

Jenny was reviewing some case files when there was a knock at her door. "Come in." She said loud enough but not screaming. The door flew opened to reveal one of her best Agents.

"Agent Gibbs, you knocked?" She sounded surprised by this. Gibbs never knocks. He always barges in not caring about treating the door with any respect. "I'm taking the rest of the day off." He stated.

Jenny was even more taken aback by that. "You're taking the day off? When is the last time you've done that? Are you okay?" She said noticing his fairly pale skin color.

He shrugged. "Nothing is wrong. Just need the day off that's all. If there is a break in the case I'll come back. Right now, Agents McGee and Dinozzo are following a lead on the BOLO of Collins' SUV." He said but could see that Jenny wasn't buying it. He sighed. "I guess I'm still a little tired from getting shot. It's no big deal. I just need to rest a little more and I'll be back tomorrow as good as knew." He tried to fake a smile.

Jenny was still a little unsure of Gibbs' sudden admit of defeat, but she nodded her head. "Very well. I'll see you tomorrow with an update on the Collins case." She said with a smile.

Gibbs nodded his head and walked out shutting the door behind him. He stood and leaned against the door for a few more moments staring up at the ceiling. 'I would see you tomorrow Director, but I won't be here tomorrow.' He thought.

* * *

**Hope you loved it! Please PLEASE review! My goal for this chapter was to get in my reader's heads a little. So I need to know if it worked or not, just trying something new. XOXO**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Not my characters unfortunately. ENJOY :)**

**A/N Thank you for all of the 'Get-Well' messages. Unfortunately, I am still in the hospital. There was a few issues regarding internal bleeding and I am doing much better now. I am not sure when I will be going home, but I have not forgotten about all of you, so I write all the time when I can. Gibbs is definitely OOC at some parts, but it isn't that bad.**

* * *

He walked into his front door and slammed it shut. This is too much, he thought. It was like the world was out to get him. What was happening to him?

He ran down to his basement and sat on the workbench grabbing his rifle. Here it goes, just one bullet; it was that simple.

* * *

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there staring at the barrel of the gun. Hours passed and he didn't even move a muscle. But then something caught his eye. To his left, he caught a glimpse of a picture sitting on the table. It was a picture of Shannon and Kelly; his dead wife and daughter.

And seeing that picture somehow made up his mind for him. He lifted the gun and pressed his thumb up against the trigger.

"Gibbs?"

_Damn._ "Abby go away." He yelled loud enough so she could hear him. Moments later he heard footsteps coming down his basement stairs. He sighed and cursed to himself, but never lowered his gun.

Abby's face appeared and the second she saw Gibbs she turned white. "Gibbs?" She said shy. "What are you doing?"

He shook his head. "Go away Abby. You don't want to be here. You shouldn't be here." He said, not taking his eyes off the barrel in front of him.

Abby took a step forward, tears filling her eyes. "Gibbs, please," She paused to let a tear fall down her cheek. "Please don't do this. I'm begging you."

Gibbs tightened his grip. "You wouldn't understand Abbs. Go back to work."

Abby slowly walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're right, I don't understand, Gibbs. So let's talk then. Make me understand; Just talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling." She begged.

Gibbs stayed silent but lowered his gun placing it on the table beside him catching another glance at the picture. He turned back to Abby, not looking her in the eye.

"Good," Abby said letting more tears fall. "Now tell me what's going on."

He hesitated but spoke quietly; almost in a whisper. "I keep having," He paused trying to control his urge to grab the gun and finish the job. "I keep having panic attacks. They are only getting worse. I'm just not happy anymore."

Abby put her arm around her father-like figure. "I used to have panic attacks in high school all the time. Tell me how you feel when you're having one. I know I was scared to death of them." She said trying to get his eye contact.

Gibbs didn't say anything. He just stared at his boat.

* * *

_"What are you making Daddy?"_

_"It's a boat. Do you want to help me?" _

_The little girl looked into his eyes with excitement and happiness. "Yes!" _

_He laughed. "Okay come over here and I'll show you what to do." _

_She ran over and he lifted her up onto a wooden stool. He placed the sander in her hands and gently guided his hands in a slow pattern. _

_"This is fun." The girl smiled before suddenly jumping back in pain. _

_"What's wrong sweetie?" He asked worried. _

_"I'm okay, it's just a little cut." She said turning around. Her clothes and hair were drenched with blood and her eyes were rolled back into her head. "I don't feel so good Daddy." She said before falling to the hard floor._

* * *

"Hey, Gibbs. You okay?" Abby asked recognizing that he was caught in a panic attack.

A minute later he snapped out of his haze. His breathe was fast and shallow. "I'm okay."

"No you aren't." She shook her head. "Maybe I should take the day off and stay with you."

His eyes darted into hers. "No, it's okay I'm fine." He tried to assure her. She obviously didn't believe him.

"Tell me the truth Gibbs. If I walk out that door right now and leave, will you do it?" Abby asked, referring to him killing himself.

It took him a moment to answer. "Why shouldn't I?" He said.

"Because, I care about you too much to lose you, Gibbs. Please understand that. I might be acting selfish by saying this, but I want you to stay with me; with the team. I can't lose you. You might think right now that you bring nothing of significance to the people around you, but you do. You put a smile on my face every day, even if I'm sad. If you go through with this you should know that I will be depressed for the rest of my life. You are the only father I have left. Don't leave me Gibbs. I love you." She cried.

He stared at her. He moved his hand on top of hers. "Okay Abby, please don't cry. I won't do it."

She sniffled. "Do you promise?" He nodded.

"Okay," She said still not yet done crying. "I'll go back to work, but only if I can stay over tonight to make sure that you are safe." She stood up.

"Okay Abby. I promise." He sighed walking her upstairs to the door.

"I'll be over by 7. And Gibbs, you better not break your promise." She let another tear fall. She closed the door behind her and walked to her car. She couldn't believe what she had just witnessed. A vulnerable Leroy Jethro Gibbs? What if she arrived a minute too late?

* * *

He awoke from his restless sleep and sat up rubbing his eyes. He looked at the time. It was almost 10 at night. He looked around to see a note on the coffee table.

_Dear Silver-Fox, _

_ I got here around 6:30 and saw that you were asleep. You looked so peaceful so I let you rest. If you need me I'll be in the guest room upstairs. Goodnight. _

_ Love, _

_ Your Lab Rat._

He smiled a tiny bit at the letter and went up the stairs to say hello. He walked into the guest room and found Abby asleep on the bed. He turned the light off and returned back downstairs. He put his shoes and jacket on. He just needed to take a walk and get some fresh air. He needed to clear his mind.

* * *

He was walking down the street about a mile away from his house. It was cold out but nothing that he couldn't handle. It felt good to actually get out. "Hey." He heard from a distance. He didn't think anything of it and continued walking. "Hey, man." He heard again. He turned around and saw a teenaged boy in a black coat leaning up against an alley wall. "Yeah you, come here."

Gibbs knew that it was a bad idea, but he walked over to the boy anyway. "Is there a problem?" He asked the boy.

"The name is Mike. I couldn't help noticing that you look like hell." He said.

It was true though. He barely ever got sleep anymore, and he couldn't even remember the last time he got a shower.

Mike sighed. "I bet you're under a lotta stress huh?" He said. Gibbs didn't say anything. He just stood there waiting to hear what the boy wanted to say. "What are you a lawyer? A cop? Something like that? Then that means that you got a lot on your mind dontcha?"

Mike saw that Gibbs wasn't going to be speaking anytime soon. "Look, I can hook you up with some stress reliever."

"I don't do drugs, and neither should you." Gibbs said turning to walk away but Mike grabbed hold of his arm.

"Wait a minute man. What I have can make all of your problems go away. What is it that is stressing you out? Work? The wife? Well if you just hear me out, you won't have to worry about those things. I've got something that will get you back to your old self; you'll be happy again."

Gibbs thought for a minute. "And if I do this, I'll be happy?" Mike nodded.

"What about work? Will I be able to still think clearly at work?" He asked.

"Of course man. And how about this, the first batch is on me; one hundred percent free. How does that sound?" He smiled.

There were so many thoughts running through Gibbs' mind at once. Was this a bad idea? But it would make him happy again, that way he would never break his promise to Abby. He nodded. "Alright what'd ya got?"

Mike smiled. "For you, I'd start off with some good old fashion Coke." He said reaching into his bag and handing him a paper bag. He took a card out his pocket. "Here's the number where you can reach me. Call me when you run out. I'm cheap."

Gibbs nodded and walked away. He went to the park and sat on one of the benches. He opened the bag and looked at its contents. So this is what rock bottom feels like, he thought.

He carefully took the white powder and quickly snorted it up his nose.

He sat there and started to feel the effects of the drug take place. He felt good. For once in months, he felt happy.

* * *

**Woah where is this story going? It's getting crazy I know. Please let me know how it is. XOXO**


	9. Chapter 9

**Good news, I'm finally home from the hospital! I think that this chapter may be the last of this story but if anyone wants a sequel let me know. I know it is EXTREMLY short and I am so sorry about that.**

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?" He heard as he walked through his front door. He just looked at her with dazed eyes. "Out," he replied.

"It's almost six in the morning, Gibbs." She growled out. He just shrugged at her and sat down on the couch laying his head back. She walked towards him and noticed his bloodshot eyes. "Are you high?!" She yelled stepping back. He flinched and covered his ears. "Abby, calm down," he whispered.

"I don't need to calm down! You're already calm enough for the both of us!"

He sat up and looked her straight in the eye. "Look, I decided to take a walk to get my mind off of things. I got stopped by this guy. He offered me a little something to take the edge off. It was a one-time thing, I promise." He sighed.

"Gibbs do you know how dangerous that is? You could get addicted and get very sick. Please never do that again." She almost cried sitting down next to him.

Gibbs looked back to her and suddenly felt a wave of rage building up inside of him. "So what? What does it matter? Why should _any_ of it matter?!" He screamed standing to his feet. "I'm not one to complain about life, but for the past few months I have been barley getting through the days! I've been trying so damn hard to keep this team together that I don't give a damn about anything else. So what if I finally did something for _myself_? For _once _in a long time I felt all of the stress and anxiety melt away! What the hell is so wrong with that?"

Abby just stared at him, startled by his sudden outburst. She stood up and put her hand on his shoulder. She watches as his eyes changed from anger and hurt, to sad and relaxed. He sighed. "I'm sorry Abby. I shouldn't have gone off on you like that." He said.

Abby shook her head. "Don't apologize," She smiled. "I think that yelling all your feelings out was just what you needed."

Gibbs sat back down. "I'm gonna try Abbs," He said. "I'm gonna get better. I promise you. I don't ever want to hurt you or anyone else on the team. I'm not gonna push anyone away anymore."

She smiled and sat down beside him. "I know, I believe you. And we are gonna be with you every step of the way."

* * *

**Again, I am so sorry it is so short. I feel like I have let you guys down on this story and I'm sorry. **


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